I know that God is working in my heart dealing with my empty arms who so desperately want another baby of my flesh to hold. (see previous entry)
When we first decided to start trying for another child I started to feel convicted about birth control. Back when we first had Malachi we did not want to take anything that prevents the conceived (fetus) egg from implanting and starving to death. I had 2 doses of the depo-shot and took the mini-pill for approx. 2-3 months. I had questioned my ob/gyn about how the shot/pill worked. She was not straight with me. I should have did my own research. I said it before, I really regret taking the birth control.
Towards the beginning of this conception journey I started to read many blogs of large families. I still desire to have a large one. I started to read about a movement called "Quiverfull". I became convicted. I wanted that. I was going to trust in the Lord to provide for us the amount of and the timing of our children. I wanted it so badly. But I wanted certain pieces of it. I thought about the timing as in after I finally get pregnant again I will trust that the Lord will bring our 3rd child when He saw fit and that we were ready.
I am beginning to realize that I also must trust Him to bring number 2 when He sees fit. I still pray that it will be soon. Am I taking the matter in my own hands by charting and trying to be in control? Is taking the clomid (which I have not taken for several months now) also taking the matter in my own hands? I am not sure if I am totally ready to throw out my theoromonitor and stop charting. I did not chart last month and I have not started charting this month. But I am keeping an eye on my "potential fertility window". How do I balance taking charge of what I can and letting God do the rest and totally trusting God? Like when we are sick I believe we should still take medicine to heal our bodies, chemo, radiation, tylenol, what have you. But does the same apply to fertility? I am not against fertility treatments at all. But where do i go next?
I am beginning to think that my obsession for another child is my desire to control. I truly do want another one and soon. But right now there are so many other things outside of my control. Jadae's Crohn's and his surgery at the beginning of the year and multiple hospital stays. My mom's cancer coming back, spreading to her lungs and brain, her brain surgery, nerve damage, chemo and radiation. I think that I was so die-hard about charting because I wanted to control something. To say I did this. But is is God who forms us in our mother's womb, not us forming babies. He knows our days.
Another thing I am trying to sort out is the whole VBAC thing. I really want more then 4 children but how can I when I am limited due to hospital policy? Am I still trusting God after the 4th, when technically we are suppose to stop then? Will we move to a town something before we have gone beyond the point of eery having any baby VBAC?
Am I able (I know that i can) trust God that if all He has in store for us is only one that will be enough? Will I be able to be content with that?
08 June 2010
05 June 2010
Secondarily Infertility Sucks
When my husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby he told me that he felt like we would either get pregnant right away or it will be hard to get pregnant. Both of those statements are true. It only took my second cycle of trying to get pregnant with Malachi. I loved being pregnant!
I had always wanted a big family with a houseful of kids. Due to hospital guidelines and my unexpected c-section with Malachi I am now limited to 4 pregnancies (all hospitals in our area do not allow VBAC's due to malpractice insurance policies). That really disappointed me. But I knew we could always adopt and we want to. But in the future.
When Malachi was about 9 months old we thought I was pregnant and I immediately stopped the birth control that I had been taking. Turns out I wasn't but I was already warmed up to the idea of giving Malachi a sibling then. So that started our journey of trying to have baby number 2. That was back in October of 2008. I also decided that I would no longer take birth control to prevent pregnancy. After trying for awhile I regreted my decision to ever have taken it.
We are still trying. Each month it gets harder and harder. I wanted my children to be close in age. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests. Tried charting and clomid. Nothing has seemed to work. A few months I even did nothing- still I am barren. My blood tests came back normal and I am finally ovulating on my own. Not many people know that I am silently suffering inside. I dont know why I am not more open about struggling with infertility.
I think it is because I am afraid of other people's judgements. "You already have a baby you should be happy about that". I am thrilled that I have Malachi. But I feel less of a woman that I can't conceive again. I did it once before why not now? Will my dreams of a large family never become concrete? I also think it is because I find it so hard to be vulnerable in front of people. To cry, to be honest abut my struggles with this. Or "maybe its not the right time" with Jadae having surgery and whatnot. But by the time we would have the baby Jadae will be back to work full time and his Crohn's in remission.
Malachi loves playing with other people. He is a real social butterfly. It is unfair to him that I am unable to give him a sibling.
We still plan to adopt someday. But right now it is not feasable. I am obsessed with pregnant teenagers. How can it be so easy for them? There are people who are experiencing their second pregnancy since we've started to try for number 2. I can't even count how many couples, since we started to try a year and a half ago, that are pregnant now or who have had babies. I know that it is well over 2 dozen. Several of which were unplanned (pregnancies).
It is so unfair. I went to a wedding the other week. A group of 3 couples who all getting pictures together- all the wives were in various stages of pregnancy. I turned my head to prevent from crying. And I see someone talking to another lady's belly- who was not showing yet. And a very pregnant lady walks by. I just had to walk away it was just too hard.
Secondary infertility is actually more common then primarily, but no much is unsaid about it. People just don't talk about it. I only know of one other couple who experienced it (and there only child is around our age).
Why do I have to go through this struggle. I know that once we do become pregnant I will be grateful and definetly cherish the pregnancy. Why can some get pregnant so easily but others have to struggle?
I had always wanted a big family with a houseful of kids. Due to hospital guidelines and my unexpected c-section with Malachi I am now limited to 4 pregnancies (all hospitals in our area do not allow VBAC's due to malpractice insurance policies). That really disappointed me. But I knew we could always adopt and we want to. But in the future.
When Malachi was about 9 months old we thought I was pregnant and I immediately stopped the birth control that I had been taking. Turns out I wasn't but I was already warmed up to the idea of giving Malachi a sibling then. So that started our journey of trying to have baby number 2. That was back in October of 2008. I also decided that I would no longer take birth control to prevent pregnancy. After trying for awhile I regreted my decision to ever have taken it.
We are still trying. Each month it gets harder and harder. I wanted my children to be close in age. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests. Tried charting and clomid. Nothing has seemed to work. A few months I even did nothing- still I am barren. My blood tests came back normal and I am finally ovulating on my own. Not many people know that I am silently suffering inside. I dont know why I am not more open about struggling with infertility.
I think it is because I am afraid of other people's judgements. "You already have a baby you should be happy about that". I am thrilled that I have Malachi. But I feel less of a woman that I can't conceive again. I did it once before why not now? Will my dreams of a large family never become concrete? I also think it is because I find it so hard to be vulnerable in front of people. To cry, to be honest abut my struggles with this. Or "maybe its not the right time" with Jadae having surgery and whatnot. But by the time we would have the baby Jadae will be back to work full time and his Crohn's in remission.
Malachi loves playing with other people. He is a real social butterfly. It is unfair to him that I am unable to give him a sibling.
We still plan to adopt someday. But right now it is not feasable. I am obsessed with pregnant teenagers. How can it be so easy for them? There are people who are experiencing their second pregnancy since we've started to try for number 2. I can't even count how many couples, since we started to try a year and a half ago, that are pregnant now or who have had babies. I know that it is well over 2 dozen. Several of which were unplanned (pregnancies).
It is so unfair. I went to a wedding the other week. A group of 3 couples who all getting pictures together- all the wives were in various stages of pregnancy. I turned my head to prevent from crying. And I see someone talking to another lady's belly- who was not showing yet. And a very pregnant lady walks by. I just had to walk away it was just too hard.
Secondary infertility is actually more common then primarily, but no much is unsaid about it. People just don't talk about it. I only know of one other couple who experienced it (and there only child is around our age).
Why do I have to go through this struggle. I know that once we do become pregnant I will be grateful and definetly cherish the pregnancy. Why can some get pregnant so easily but others have to struggle?
12 February 2010
START: Gover moves to Sesame Street
I have not done a START (story with art) in such a long time. But today I finally was able to, as my husband was finally discharged from the hospital and home. Life is just starting to get back to normal. As long as we can get over being sick and snowed in!
I read Malachi, "When Grover moved to Sesame Street" by Jocelyn Stevenson. It is a cute book about Gover having mixed feelings about moving. And his story of how he came to Sesame Street.
So, just for kicks we decided to pack everything up. And move tomorrow! In fact, Malachi helped us put toys in his box, without any prompting.
Seriously though, we are moving this weekend. Just across town to the apartments that are attached to our church.
To find more fun Start activities go to Mommy's Adventures ~ http://amommysadventures.blogspot.com/
10 January 2010
Some updates and more prayers needed
Some updates... I meant to blog for awhile now. So much has happened but here are 2 of the most important and vital updates that could use prayer.
My Mom
My mom's brain surgery went really well! Although afterwards she was unable to speak at all for several hours. She stayed with us during her physical therapy. She is doing well but continues to have some balance issues. She also has no peripheral vision. Currently she is in Puerto Rico with some of the dance team from church for a conference. I am so happy that she was able to attend after having brain surgery 3 1/2 wks prior to the trip!
Jadae
He had been doing a lot better expect for a pain in his lower right abdominal. Several doctors had examined it and said that it was an inflamed lymph node. All other pain from his Crohn's was pretty much nonexistent expect for this. At the beginning of this past week he was experiencing a lot of pain. Wednesday night was very intense and he could not walk. His lips were white and he felt lightheaded. We called for an ambulance and left for the local ER, me following behind. (my dad was here and watched Malachi).
At the ER they did a CAT scan and the doctors told us that his appendix had ruptured sometime back in Nov. But is was blocked off so it did not kill him. They talked to their surgeons who were uncomfortable with doing the surgery and wanted him sent to Cleveland Clinic, where his Crohn's doctors are. This made us very nervous but the drs reassured us Jadae's life was not in danger.
After finding someone to take Malachi for a several days (it was 2:30 am at this pt) I went home to pack myself and Malachi a bag. I then picked up Jadae's mom and we drove through the night to Cleveland Clinic were we met Jadae.
Thursday doctors came in and examined him and reviewed the CAT scans. It was not a ruptured appendix after all. But his appendix was inflamed. Turns out he had a perforated bowel. Which is quite dangerous as he could become septic and a whole host of other issues.
Friday they did a loop ileostomy at 4 pm. Surgery was completed at 7 but his recovery took a lot longer then expected. Shortly after they sent him to the PACU (surgery recovery room) they gave him too much pain medication- which made him stop breathing. So after they remedied that they were very cautious of how much pain meds they could give him. His heart rate was really fast and he had a very low respiratory count. Finally after 6 am they were able to send him to his room. Jadae's mom and I were able to see him for only 5-10 minutes every 2 hrs.
It was so hard to see him like that. Saturday was a rough day for him. He was in a lot of pain and still have some oxygen problems. Today he was so much better. They did have to give him a blood transfusion today.
This had been the longest that I had ever been away from Malachi. I talked to him every day on the phone but he refused to talk to me until yesterday. Jadae's mom and I went home today. Although Jadae wanted me to be with him he also wanted me home with Malachi. Malachi does not understand what is going on. We could even tell him as he was in bed when the ambulance came.
Jadae is still at Cleveland Clinic. We are not sure how long he will be there. He will be off of work for 6 wks. Then 3-6 months from now he was have another surgery to reverse the stoma. Which he will be off of work again for an extended time period after another hospital stay.
Emotional I am doing ok. Overwhelmed and not understand why so much has been happening. Every month since Oct someone in my immediate fam has been hospitalized. I've cried a lot this past week. Some days my nerves and anxiety were fine, other days I was more of a mess.
My Mom
My mom's brain surgery went really well! Although afterwards she was unable to speak at all for several hours. She stayed with us during her physical therapy. She is doing well but continues to have some balance issues. She also has no peripheral vision. Currently she is in Puerto Rico with some of the dance team from church for a conference. I am so happy that she was able to attend after having brain surgery 3 1/2 wks prior to the trip!
Jadae
He had been doing a lot better expect for a pain in his lower right abdominal. Several doctors had examined it and said that it was an inflamed lymph node. All other pain from his Crohn's was pretty much nonexistent expect for this. At the beginning of this past week he was experiencing a lot of pain. Wednesday night was very intense and he could not walk. His lips were white and he felt lightheaded. We called for an ambulance and left for the local ER, me following behind. (my dad was here and watched Malachi).
At the ER they did a CAT scan and the doctors told us that his appendix had ruptured sometime back in Nov. But is was blocked off so it did not kill him. They talked to their surgeons who were uncomfortable with doing the surgery and wanted him sent to Cleveland Clinic, where his Crohn's doctors are. This made us very nervous but the drs reassured us Jadae's life was not in danger.
After finding someone to take Malachi for a several days (it was 2:30 am at this pt) I went home to pack myself and Malachi a bag. I then picked up Jadae's mom and we drove through the night to Cleveland Clinic were we met Jadae.
Thursday doctors came in and examined him and reviewed the CAT scans. It was not a ruptured appendix after all. But his appendix was inflamed. Turns out he had a perforated bowel. Which is quite dangerous as he could become septic and a whole host of other issues.
Friday they did a loop ileostomy at 4 pm. Surgery was completed at 7 but his recovery took a lot longer then expected. Shortly after they sent him to the PACU (surgery recovery room) they gave him too much pain medication- which made him stop breathing. So after they remedied that they were very cautious of how much pain meds they could give him. His heart rate was really fast and he had a very low respiratory count. Finally after 6 am they were able to send him to his room. Jadae's mom and I were able to see him for only 5-10 minutes every 2 hrs.
It was so hard to see him like that. Saturday was a rough day for him. He was in a lot of pain and still have some oxygen problems. Today he was so much better. They did have to give him a blood transfusion today.
This had been the longest that I had ever been away from Malachi. I talked to him every day on the phone but he refused to talk to me until yesterday. Jadae's mom and I went home today. Although Jadae wanted me to be with him he also wanted me home with Malachi. Malachi does not understand what is going on. We could even tell him as he was in bed when the ambulance came.
Jadae is still at Cleveland Clinic. We are not sure how long he will be there. He will be off of work for 6 wks. Then 3-6 months from now he was have another surgery to reverse the stoma. Which he will be off of work again for an extended time period after another hospital stay.
Emotional I am doing ok. Overwhelmed and not understand why so much has been happening. Every month since Oct someone in my immediate fam has been hospitalized. I've cried a lot this past week. Some days my nerves and anxiety were fine, other days I was more of a mess.
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