05 June 2010

Secondarily Infertility Sucks

When my husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby he told me that he felt like we would either get pregnant right away or it will be hard to get pregnant. Both of those statements are true. It only took my second cycle of trying to get pregnant with Malachi. I loved being pregnant!

I had always wanted a big family with a houseful of kids. Due to hospital guidelines and my unexpected c-section with Malachi I am now limited to 4 pregnancies (all hospitals in our area do not allow VBAC's due to malpractice insurance policies). That really disappointed me. But I knew we could always adopt and we want to. But in the future.

When Malachi was about 9 months old we thought I was pregnant and I immediately stopped the birth control that I had been taking. Turns out I wasn't but I was already warmed up to the idea of giving Malachi a sibling then. So that started our journey of trying to have baby number 2. That was back in October of 2008. I also decided that I would no longer take birth control to prevent pregnancy. After trying for awhile I regreted my decision to ever have taken it.

We are still trying. Each month it gets harder and harder. I wanted my children to be close in age. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests. Tried charting and clomid. Nothing has seemed to work. A few months I even did nothing- still I am barren. My blood tests came back normal and I am finally ovulating on my own. Not many people know that I am silently suffering inside. I dont know why I am not more open about struggling with infertility.

I think it is because I am afraid of other people's judgements. "You already have a baby you should be happy about that". I am thrilled that I have Malachi. But I feel less of a woman that I can't conceive again. I did it once before why not now? Will my dreams of a large family never become concrete? I also think it is because I find it so hard to be vulnerable in front of people. To cry, to be honest abut my struggles with this. Or "maybe its not the right time" with Jadae having surgery and whatnot. But by the time we would have the baby Jadae will be back to work full time and his Crohn's in remission.

Malachi loves playing with other people. He is a real social butterfly. It is unfair to him that I am unable to give him a sibling.

We still plan to adopt someday. But right now it is not feasable. I am obsessed with pregnant teenagers. How can it be so easy for them? There are people who are experiencing their second pregnancy since we've started to try for number 2. I can't even count how many couples, since we started to try a year and a half ago, that are pregnant now or who have had babies. I know that it is well over 2 dozen. Several of which were unplanned (pregnancies).

It is so unfair. I went to a wedding the other week. A group of 3 couples who all getting pictures together- all the wives were in various stages of pregnancy. I turned my head to prevent from crying. And I see someone talking to another lady's belly- who was not showing yet. And a very pregnant lady walks by. I just had to walk away it was just too hard.

Secondary infertility is actually more common then primarily, but no much is unsaid about it. People just don't talk about it. I only know of one other couple who experienced it (and there only child is around our age).

Why do I have to go through this struggle. I know that once we do become pregnant I will be grateful and definetly cherish the pregnancy. Why can some get pregnant so easily but others have to struggle?

1 comment:

  1. Melissa, I am praying for you in your silent struggle. I know that my Mom will confess that her infertility was easily the most difficult struggle of her life - for nine years! She has told me that standing firm, if even only for a moment, is still standing firm. Sometimes it's a matter of getting through just one moment, but stand in the truth for that moment and then take the next as it comes. I know that it is difficult to talk about, but if you feel the desire or the need, I know that my Mom would be a willing and empathetic listener. She knows your struggle very very well. I too of course would listen to you, though I know less of what you are going through as we haven't started trying to have children yet. Even in that, a negative pregnancy test does something to a woman, and in that, I can relate. I will pray for you my dear sister!
    Much love,