I know that God is working in my heart dealing with my empty arms who so desperately want another baby of my flesh to hold. (see previous entry)
When we first decided to start trying for another child I started to feel convicted about birth control. Back when we first had Malachi we did not want to take anything that prevents the conceived (fetus) egg from implanting and starving to death. I had 2 doses of the depo-shot and took the mini-pill for approx. 2-3 months. I had questioned my ob/gyn about how the shot/pill worked. She was not straight with me. I should have did my own research. I said it before, I really regret taking the birth control.
Towards the beginning of this conception journey I started to read many blogs of large families. I still desire to have a large one. I started to read about a movement called "Quiverfull". I became convicted. I wanted that. I was going to trust in the Lord to provide for us the amount of and the timing of our children. I wanted it so badly. But I wanted certain pieces of it. I thought about the timing as in after I finally get pregnant again I will trust that the Lord will bring our 3rd child when He saw fit and that we were ready.
I am beginning to realize that I also must trust Him to bring number 2 when He sees fit. I still pray that it will be soon. Am I taking the matter in my own hands by charting and trying to be in control? Is taking the clomid (which I have not taken for several months now) also taking the matter in my own hands? I am not sure if I am totally ready to throw out my theoromonitor and stop charting. I did not chart last month and I have not started charting this month. But I am keeping an eye on my "potential fertility window". How do I balance taking charge of what I can and letting God do the rest and totally trusting God? Like when we are sick I believe we should still take medicine to heal our bodies, chemo, radiation, tylenol, what have you. But does the same apply to fertility? I am not against fertility treatments at all. But where do i go next?
I am beginning to think that my obsession for another child is my desire to control. I truly do want another one and soon. But right now there are so many other things outside of my control. Jadae's Crohn's and his surgery at the beginning of the year and multiple hospital stays. My mom's cancer coming back, spreading to her lungs and brain, her brain surgery, nerve damage, chemo and radiation. I think that I was so die-hard about charting because I wanted to control something. To say I did this. But is is God who forms us in our mother's womb, not us forming babies. He knows our days.
Another thing I am trying to sort out is the whole VBAC thing. I really want more then 4 children but how can I when I am limited due to hospital policy? Am I still trusting God after the 4th, when technically we are suppose to stop then? Will we move to a town something before we have gone beyond the point of eery having any baby VBAC?
Am I able (I know that i can) trust God that if all He has in store for us is only one that will be enough? Will I be able to be content with that?