I know that God is working in my heart dealing with my empty arms who so desperately want another baby of my flesh to hold. (see previous entry)
When we first decided to start trying for another child I started to feel convicted about birth control. Back when we first had Malachi we did not want to take anything that prevents the conceived (fetus) egg from implanting and starving to death. I had 2 doses of the depo-shot and took the mini-pill for approx. 2-3 months. I had questioned my ob/gyn about how the shot/pill worked. She was not straight with me. I should have did my own research. I said it before, I really regret taking the birth control.
Towards the beginning of this conception journey I started to read many blogs of large families. I still desire to have a large one. I started to read about a movement called "Quiverfull". I became convicted. I wanted that. I was going to trust in the Lord to provide for us the amount of and the timing of our children. I wanted it so badly. But I wanted certain pieces of it. I thought about the timing as in after I finally get pregnant again I will trust that the Lord will bring our 3rd child when He saw fit and that we were ready.
I am beginning to realize that I also must trust Him to bring number 2 when He sees fit. I still pray that it will be soon. Am I taking the matter in my own hands by charting and trying to be in control? Is taking the clomid (which I have not taken for several months now) also taking the matter in my own hands? I am not sure if I am totally ready to throw out my theoromonitor and stop charting. I did not chart last month and I have not started charting this month. But I am keeping an eye on my "potential fertility window". How do I balance taking charge of what I can and letting God do the rest and totally trusting God? Like when we are sick I believe we should still take medicine to heal our bodies, chemo, radiation, tylenol, what have you. But does the same apply to fertility? I am not against fertility treatments at all. But where do i go next?
I am beginning to think that my obsession for another child is my desire to control. I truly do want another one and soon. But right now there are so many other things outside of my control. Jadae's Crohn's and his surgery at the beginning of the year and multiple hospital stays. My mom's cancer coming back, spreading to her lungs and brain, her brain surgery, nerve damage, chemo and radiation. I think that I was so die-hard about charting because I wanted to control something. To say I did this. But is is God who forms us in our mother's womb, not us forming babies. He knows our days.
Another thing I am trying to sort out is the whole VBAC thing. I really want more then 4 children but how can I when I am limited due to hospital policy? Am I still trusting God after the 4th, when technically we are suppose to stop then? Will we move to a town something before we have gone beyond the point of eery having any baby VBAC?
Am I able (I know that i can) trust God that if all He has in store for us is only one that will be enough? Will I be able to be content with that?
08 June 2010
05 June 2010
Secondarily Infertility Sucks
When my husband and I decided to start trying to have a baby he told me that he felt like we would either get pregnant right away or it will be hard to get pregnant. Both of those statements are true. It only took my second cycle of trying to get pregnant with Malachi. I loved being pregnant!
I had always wanted a big family with a houseful of kids. Due to hospital guidelines and my unexpected c-section with Malachi I am now limited to 4 pregnancies (all hospitals in our area do not allow VBAC's due to malpractice insurance policies). That really disappointed me. But I knew we could always adopt and we want to. But in the future.
When Malachi was about 9 months old we thought I was pregnant and I immediately stopped the birth control that I had been taking. Turns out I wasn't but I was already warmed up to the idea of giving Malachi a sibling then. So that started our journey of trying to have baby number 2. That was back in October of 2008. I also decided that I would no longer take birth control to prevent pregnancy. After trying for awhile I regreted my decision to ever have taken it.
We are still trying. Each month it gets harder and harder. I wanted my children to be close in age. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests. Tried charting and clomid. Nothing has seemed to work. A few months I even did nothing- still I am barren. My blood tests came back normal and I am finally ovulating on my own. Not many people know that I am silently suffering inside. I dont know why I am not more open about struggling with infertility.
I think it is because I am afraid of other people's judgements. "You already have a baby you should be happy about that". I am thrilled that I have Malachi. But I feel less of a woman that I can't conceive again. I did it once before why not now? Will my dreams of a large family never become concrete? I also think it is because I find it so hard to be vulnerable in front of people. To cry, to be honest abut my struggles with this. Or "maybe its not the right time" with Jadae having surgery and whatnot. But by the time we would have the baby Jadae will be back to work full time and his Crohn's in remission.
Malachi loves playing with other people. He is a real social butterfly. It is unfair to him that I am unable to give him a sibling.
We still plan to adopt someday. But right now it is not feasable. I am obsessed with pregnant teenagers. How can it be so easy for them? There are people who are experiencing their second pregnancy since we've started to try for number 2. I can't even count how many couples, since we started to try a year and a half ago, that are pregnant now or who have had babies. I know that it is well over 2 dozen. Several of which were unplanned (pregnancies).
It is so unfair. I went to a wedding the other week. A group of 3 couples who all getting pictures together- all the wives were in various stages of pregnancy. I turned my head to prevent from crying. And I see someone talking to another lady's belly- who was not showing yet. And a very pregnant lady walks by. I just had to walk away it was just too hard.
Secondary infertility is actually more common then primarily, but no much is unsaid about it. People just don't talk about it. I only know of one other couple who experienced it (and there only child is around our age).
Why do I have to go through this struggle. I know that once we do become pregnant I will be grateful and definetly cherish the pregnancy. Why can some get pregnant so easily but others have to struggle?
I had always wanted a big family with a houseful of kids. Due to hospital guidelines and my unexpected c-section with Malachi I am now limited to 4 pregnancies (all hospitals in our area do not allow VBAC's due to malpractice insurance policies). That really disappointed me. But I knew we could always adopt and we want to. But in the future.
When Malachi was about 9 months old we thought I was pregnant and I immediately stopped the birth control that I had been taking. Turns out I wasn't but I was already warmed up to the idea of giving Malachi a sibling then. So that started our journey of trying to have baby number 2. That was back in October of 2008. I also decided that I would no longer take birth control to prevent pregnancy. After trying for awhile I regreted my decision to ever have taken it.
We are still trying. Each month it gets harder and harder. I wanted my children to be close in age. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests. Tried charting and clomid. Nothing has seemed to work. A few months I even did nothing- still I am barren. My blood tests came back normal and I am finally ovulating on my own. Not many people know that I am silently suffering inside. I dont know why I am not more open about struggling with infertility.
I think it is because I am afraid of other people's judgements. "You already have a baby you should be happy about that". I am thrilled that I have Malachi. But I feel less of a woman that I can't conceive again. I did it once before why not now? Will my dreams of a large family never become concrete? I also think it is because I find it so hard to be vulnerable in front of people. To cry, to be honest abut my struggles with this. Or "maybe its not the right time" with Jadae having surgery and whatnot. But by the time we would have the baby Jadae will be back to work full time and his Crohn's in remission.
Malachi loves playing with other people. He is a real social butterfly. It is unfair to him that I am unable to give him a sibling.
We still plan to adopt someday. But right now it is not feasable. I am obsessed with pregnant teenagers. How can it be so easy for them? There are people who are experiencing their second pregnancy since we've started to try for number 2. I can't even count how many couples, since we started to try a year and a half ago, that are pregnant now or who have had babies. I know that it is well over 2 dozen. Several of which were unplanned (pregnancies).
It is so unfair. I went to a wedding the other week. A group of 3 couples who all getting pictures together- all the wives were in various stages of pregnancy. I turned my head to prevent from crying. And I see someone talking to another lady's belly- who was not showing yet. And a very pregnant lady walks by. I just had to walk away it was just too hard.
Secondary infertility is actually more common then primarily, but no much is unsaid about it. People just don't talk about it. I only know of one other couple who experienced it (and there only child is around our age).
Why do I have to go through this struggle. I know that once we do become pregnant I will be grateful and definetly cherish the pregnancy. Why can some get pregnant so easily but others have to struggle?
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